This Darkest, Most Vile Self

Back in February of this year, I wrote the following passage after a meditation:

“So I took the opportunity to visit with my darkest, most vile self.  Over the last several weeks, I’ve been coaxing out these dark aspects and they’ve been slowly revealing themselves.  I feel a deep sense of relief, however, I became aware that there was something VERY dark and VERY vile that was VERY resistant to being seen and expressed.  When it instantly appeared during the first part of the meditation, my natural instinct became to not force it and to not prod.  But I also noticed that it was less stuck, and less hidden.

This darkest, most vile self is not my Gollum.  My Gollum has been integrated quite nicely and I enjoy taking it out and spending time with it.  This darkest, most vile self revealed itself as a naked alien child that had been burned and molested while it was dying.  So I took it out of the fire and held it in my arms and simply allowed it to wail and moan it loathesome existence.  The feelings I had as I observed this little being was one of compassion but not pity.  I felt like I was in my ChristSelf looking down upon a lonely leper and in knowing my own Divinity, I simply allowed the little being to have his lack of knowing of his own Divinity.  In this allowing, the little one felt safe enough to become pliable and expansive, rather that rigid and contained.  This is really important because this darkest, most vile self does not want to be experienced.  It wants to be the opposite of experienced:  Unexperienced, unlived, unborn, unthought, unconceived, undone.  As I sat still with this little being looking up into my eyes with longing, I looked down upon it with desire.  In the guided meditation, the man stated that I should breathe in strength and breathe out bullshit.  I tried that and at once, it felt like I was abandoning my darkest, most vile self.  I came back to what I know to be true:  my self needs me– not to dispel it in a gust of air, but to experience it with unconditional love and space holding.  So I invited and coaxed and urged this darkest, most vile self to take on whatever shape it feels will let me integrate and experience it fully.  It came in the form of a thick, black ooze which I willed to penetrate and fill my whole body from head to toe.  I felt it move through me and instantly my mind ran to thoughts of cancer and sickness and overweightness and lonelinss  and ugliness… I had to, with lots of courage and the remembrance of trust, release my resistance to my worst fears and allow what my ego feels is its treasure to be replaced with the thick, black mud of self-admonishment and disdain.  I breathed in bullshit and I breathed out resistance.
And then I fell into a light slumber.
I awakened here and there remembering my vow to parent and nurture my darkest, most vile self and I checked to see if she was still present.  She was.  I had not abandoned her and she had not abandoned me.  We have plenty of work to do to reunite, but I am in it for the long haul.  I love every part of my self, but I can only KNOW this to be true when I experience every part of my self.  I have spent lots of time with the lightest parts of my darkness and now it is time to delve deeper into the shadows.  I do it with the open heart of the quintessential Shadow Knight Templar in search of the holy grail.  The chalice is filled with the darkness of heavy experience, but at its very center is a pinprick of light.  I drink deeply from the cup, and let the ride begin.”
I came back to this piece of writing because last night I was reading my monthly horoscope from my girl, Susan Miller, on her website  It is September and on the 1st (just last week) it was the New Moon Eclipse in Virgo.  Well, honestly, I was feeling kind of out of touch with what this New Moon was about, but I was paying attention to my own inner processes as I normally do. You know what I mean, right? I was using my inner map instead of using the constellations.
Constellation Aquarius
Last night, I was reminded by Susan Miller’s September forecast that this eclipse is partnered with an eclipse that we had earlier in the year while the New Moon was in Pisces.  So being the good little mystical nerd I am, I went back in my notes to see what I was focused on back in February of 2016.  Right.  Good girl!  No!  Dopey girl.  The New Moon in February was in Aquarius, not Pisces.  DOH!  But no matter, because “the Lord works in mysterious ways.”  It was by falling prey to erroneous thinking that I came across that writing about my Darkest, Most Vile Self.  By the way, for those of you who do not know who Gollum is, he is the hobbit who stole the ring in Lord of the Rings.  Gollum was a good and happy hobbit until he became obsessed by a ring with mystical powers.  His obsession destroyed his relationship with himself and he became a broken shell of a being living in a dark and lonely world.
Two years ago, in my Shadow Work, I was able to connect with this part of my psyche that was fragmented and stuck deeply in wounding.  It took me months of constant engagement with this fragmented self to get her to even show me her face. When I finally broke through to her, this image of Gollum is what I saw.  My first feelings were not of revulsion, but of a profound compassion and a deep knowing.  My instincts were to take this being in my arms and to shower her with love.  But, of course, she did not let me.  My compassion was an intruder to her world of isolation.  It wasn’t until I went through the Completion Process with Teal Swan that my little Gollum stopped resisting me and let me even hold her.  And even then, when I would hold her, she would rip into me with her teeth and batter and bash me with her hands and feet.  Believe me, friend, it was not easy to sit still while I was being attacked with such malice and violence.  But this is where Jesus taught me to turn the other cheek.  I really began to understand the Christ Consciousness in a way that I had never known before.  Love begins with the self, and I began using miraculous site and the practice of unconditional love on myself.  This was my own precious psyche that was broken there was no other human that I would be able to reach if I could not reach her– and of course, I would always be unreachable to others because this little one was the guardian of an invisible wall that kept me from connecting to other people in deep friendship and intimacy.  She was already ripping me apart on the inside in my subconscious mind.  I was definitely going to hold her in miraculous sight consciously, with my eyes wide open, while she was going through her process of transformation.  I would not, could not, turn away from her.  I would never deny her again, because she was who she was because she was constantly denied, time after time after time.
My Gollum was once a beautiful girl– golden in her glory and sensitive to her core.  Pristine innocence.  Immeasurable creativity.  Countless injustices had begun to wear away at her trust and her connection to her golden source of power, and one time,  a piece of her just gave up and went and locked itself away in isolation.  This little fractured girl began weaving a world of her own, telling stories that fed upon pain, sorrow, victimization and emotional impoverishment.  Her world became one of morbid isolation, and that is where she stayed for decades.  DECADES.
When I discovered this aspect of myself, I instinctively began to coax it like you would an abused dog you found hiding in your yard:  cautious, but kind.  And she began showing herself to me and even letting me visit her dark and mysterious world.  Sometimes during my meditations, I would sit there on the ground and she would just stare at me with those big eyes from a hole or from under a rock.  And I would sing her songs and tell her jokes.  She eventually responded by talking to me and telling me her story.  After a time, I began touching her and bringing her gifts; and like I said, she eventually would let me hold her, only to turn on me with rage and intentions of destruction. I had the Completion Process with Teal (you can watch that Completion Process video on my Youtube channel) in October and it was just here in June of this year that my Gollum broke at her core.  She surrendered.  I had moved away from California and was living in Spain.  I was spending lots of time practicing self-love and focusing on accepting all the aspects of myself– both dark and light.  My Gollum showed up in my adult personality with rage and debasement and instead of resisting this aspect of myself, I totally stopped judging and allowed me to express myself without restraint or denial.  There were tears and shame and grief coming from an old part of myself, but no judgment coming from my adult conscious self.  I remember shouting inside my own head, “I am me, damn it!  I have the right to be me!  I have the right to be who I am!”  From that day forward, my Gollum ceased attacking me and she stopped stooping and crawling.  It’s amazing!  But she has never shown up in that same form again. It’s been months and my heart and mind have been freer and lighter and my vision has never been more clear.  I have felt powerful, beautiful, loving and KNOWING.  My Gollum is still there and she keeps the same figure of the Gollum, but she has grown taller, more elegant and refined.  I had been wondering why she kept that shape and she told me that it was to be a reminder of what I was, and that I was well conditioned to respond with compassion whenever I saw this face in the mirror, or when I saw this face on another person walking down the street.  My Gollum was now a Spirit Guide to remind me to be compassionate toward myself and toward others. I LOVE HER!  Isn’t she wonderful???? Look at her all grown up!
Personally, I love the story of my little Gollum, but the most interesting thing is that it was reintroduced yesterday morning!  Synchronicities abound.  Since she had transformed, I had not been spending too much conscious time with her over the last several weeks. I’m a firm believer in letting my Inner Children have autonomy.  I am always aware, I feel like they will let me know when it is time to focus my attention on them.  This morning, however, somebody woke up and screamed!  Now, I think that this is because of the healing session that I did yesterday in my video about abundance.  In the video, I was onto something powerful, and although I was experiencing a lot of joy, I was physically shattered all day yesterday and had a hard time staying present.  Yesterday morning when I awoke, I was confronted with a memory that had resurfaced time after time, but was essentially unresolved.  This morning when it came up, I was totally open to the Inner Child that came forth and she told me that she was the root of The Darkest, Most Vile Self.
Does this story seem convoluted to you?  As I’m writing, it seems like I’m doing a lot of back and forth and explaining.  If I were more true to my blog, this would be more of an efficient continuum than an exercise in storytelling.  But I’ve not been true, so I’m  needing to give a lot of background info.
Anyway, the point, my beloved friend, is that Spirit has guided me to REMEMBER and recognize the path of My Most Vile Self.  She is here and ready to be… what?  Healed?  Maybe.  Heard?  Definitely.  And that’s what I did.  When she came forth, she was wearing a peach colored flower girl dress.  She was 8 years old but wanted to be loved like a 6 year old.  (I don’t know about you, but it totally resonates with me!  That’s a child who needed to be loved with tenderness and compassion– the kind of love that you would give to a broken and lonely puppy.  Tender.) She did not want to be told that she was 8 and that she should act like she was 25 and suck up her emotional needs.  MAN.  When I tuned into her story and saw My Darkest, Most Vile Self hiding behind a pillar in the dance hall where the wedding reception was being held, I got an instant download of her pain and her need to be seen, validated, and connected.  OMG! NOBODY was giving her shit.  And it had been a build-up of not having her needs, not only denied, but also criticized, shunned and invalidated.  My precious Darkest, Most Vile Self was conceived on the night my trust in the ‘real’ world had died.  I had needs and I was told that I had to get over it and go and fend for myself because the authority figures in the room had more important things to do.  And so I did–in the way that any 8 year old child forced into a cold and uncompassionate adult world would…by making up stories based on a very limited perspective/understanding of the world.
So let me do a little clarification and then I’m going to wrap up this post.  My Gollum was a powerful nugget of disconnection in my psyche.  She was a part of me that had fractured off from the hole and went into isolation.  She is still a layer of my emotional existence.  Now that this lovely layer has been healed, I have been introduced to another layer of myself– my Darkest, Most Vile Self.  I got a taste of her back in February of this year and she is showing me herself now, because she is ready to be brought into the light.  I’m going to wrap up this blog post and pray that I continue to share this journey here.  It’s an important one.  Now that my Gollum has moved out of the way, it is time for me to go into the core of my fear, the root of my distrust.  I am currently working on expressing my creativity and trusting that what I am offering is of value and worth sharing with the whole world.  This is a big one because I am saying that I am ready to bring all my ideas to the world NOW. Not after this happens, or that gets done, or I accomplish this thing… NOW.  You have not heard the last of my Darkest, Most Vile Self.  You have not heard the last of this journey.  I promise this to you and to Her.



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Here I am! Eccomi qui!

Florence, Italy


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