These are photos taken of my Mom and me at a theater gala in Los Angeles just 11 months before she died. Little did I know that this year would be a launch pad for my descent into the Dark Night of the Soul and the powerful transformation that would come because I chose to delve deep into my darkest shadows.
I want to share with you how powerful my healing journey has been in recent weeks.
Okay, you probably already know that I am a healer and I have been on my own deep healing journey for a long, long time. I started working with a spiritual life coach several years back and it really kicked up my healing and awakening 5000 fold. (I cannot emphasize the importance of using a coach to help you get what you desire. It is worth every penny. I spent $10,000 with my coach and it was scary to think that I was spending so much on something that seemed intangible, but my gosh, it was worth every penny. And I will do it again when it comes time.) I started making bold moves when I was finished with coaching. I sold my business and had planned to move to Europe to write my book. This was back in 2013. But my mom died that same year, and so what was supposed to be a joyous and celebratory time for me turned out to be full of heartbreak, and little did I know that this was when the real healing would begin.
I’m totally going to make a long story short and sum this up by saying that on the day my mom had died, I entered the darkest phase of life. Two weeks following her departure to the afterlife, I departed for the UK to mourn in Mount Snowden, but I was turned away by the UK Border Patrol. They sent me back to the US. The next six months were a downward spiral. I lost all the money I had earned from the sale of my business, I was losing my hair, I was losing pints of blood each month from uterine fibroids and was absolutely devastated by anemia. While I was devastated by the tragedy and loss that was engulfing me, I have to say that I was doing my Dark Night of the Soul in a very #FrenchKissLife way! Hahahaha! When I was turned away at the UK Border, I made my way to Montreal! That’s a lovely bit of Europe in the Americas! And from Montreal, I did my own Eat, Pray, Love Journey and ended up going to Bali, Indonesia and working with the same herbal medicine woman that Elizabeth Gilbert did (totally coincidental. Had no idea of who she was,) to Haridwar, India to live in an ashram for two months, and then to France to wander the hills of Province. I was forced back to California to handle the official close of the business that I had originally sold. I spent a year and a half in California thinking that God had taken me back ‘home’ because I was supposed to rebuild there and start a new life.
I thought that my dreams of living abroad were done and that I was now meant to settle down. I started dating and working on a new business. I was very comfortable teaching my classes and building friendships and having lovers. But honestly, as I looked around me with the wisdom I had gained when I was in the Dark Night of the Soul, I realized that although my life was comfortable, it was totally inauthentic. I didn’t find the men I was dating to be European enough. They were American boys who were super rugged, but lacking the old world grace that I found and adored in my past European lovers. I didn’t feel excited about buying a home in California and falling into the Los Angeles lifestyle.
In April of this year, I started getting a real hankering for the art, the culture, and the lifestyle of Europe; and because I had been dreaming of tapas and red wine served in stemless glasses and Flamenco guitar, I sold all my stuff and broke off my romantic relationship, packed up my clothing and daily essentials and moved to Spain to REALLY write the book that I had been avoiding writing for the last two years.
I’ve been here in Spain for seven weeks and I am now settled into a residency program that is supporting my writing… and facilitating more healing. And I think that this is why I started writing this post: I realize that I am on another healing journey every bit as powerful as the Dark Night of the Soul that I experienced in 2013, after my mom died. But this journey has a different feeling altogether. Where the Dark Night was all about loss and breaking down the walls of my false identity, this new healing journey is about getting me to open my eyes to the Golden Soul that radiates at my core. It’s like, before my mom died, I was the illusion of success. I drove a souped up Mini Cooper S, I had a thriving business that was the envy of my competitors, I was a marathoner running 45 miles a week. But all those outward expressions of success were a MASK for the disconnection that was happening beneath the surface. Uterine fibroids were draining my life force energy, my mom was dying and we didn’t know it, my running career was waning because of the anemia and my ‘thriving’ business was built on a hidden flaw of which I was totally unconscious. All of this stuff was festering beneath the surface, operating behind my mask of illusion. It was like the illusion was a dam that was holding back all the crap that was out of integrity. Mom’s death was like the Little Dutch Boy pulling his thumb out of the dam hole and releasing all the water to flood the town. My illusion and the world that I had built upon it collapsed.
This journey of healing in Farrera, Spain is different in that I have consciously gone to the Heart of Darkness armed with a willingness to risk everything for my freedom. I don’t want to wear a mask any more. Take me as I AM. I am willing to give up every dollar, every relationship, every ounce of security, so that I do not have to wear any more masks. My Authentic Self is more important than an illusion of well-being. The well-being of my Inner Child is more significant than any comfort. The light that emanates from my pure and shiny heart is more powerful for sustaining my existence than the dollar.
And I am so damned toughened to the lessons of the Universe; because I have done it all before and survived. I am not afraid. I have been afraid. When the Dark Night wounds were fresh and new; when I was embarrassed, ashamed, and spiraling, I was TERRIFIED. But I have developed, not a thick skin to life’s lessons, but rather a peaceful acceptance and bona fide trust in my unique life’s processes. I trust myself, and I trust this universe. And I trust you. That’s what I am testing and integrating here in Farrera.
I wanted to share this story with you because I want you to know that the pain you are experiencing right now is your key to breaking free from limitation and dis-empowerment. My work is about healing and awakening and transformation. And I wanted to share that I have just made another big leap and have decided that I am going for another BIG ASS DREAM. And you know how I feel right now? I feel like I’m going to make it REAL. BOOYAH. It is on. <3