Fear and the Farmhouse

The Universe just keeps on showing me what I desire. I am getting clear about my career, my book, my body and health, my relationship and even about how I want to settle down. Sometimes, it’s hard to see the beauty of what I desire possessed by another. Sometimes the yearning in my heart is so strong! Always, however, I KNOW that I am totally aligned with my desire and that it is just a matter of allowing it to unfold in its own time.


Just the other day, I was looking out over a lush mountainous landscape imagining my farmhouse retreat center with its vineyards, organic garden, yurts, and artist studio. I always see a big kitchen with green painted cupboards and drying herbs in the window. I feel big, comfy beds, high ceilings and luxurious comfort. My beautiful bed and breakfast farmhouse retreat center! More than a bnb, actually, because we’ll have a chef serving evening meals. Breakfast will be set up for you to serve yourself fresh breads, fruit, cereals, juices, and delicious coffee. There’s an outdoor fireplace where we all gather to chat and share our histories and make new friends. There’s wine, cheese and fresh fruit galore. It’s a beautiful place and it feels like home for all who come to visit. Successful.

My imagination is vivid, but this is the very first time that I’ve ever felt the place while standing in a potential location. I could establish my farmhouse here in Catalonia, here in Farrera. I had my two feet on the ground. I could feel the sun on my skin, the wind in my hair; the sound of the birds and the buzzing of the flying insects all served to make my vision concrete. I was all up in the vortex in that moment! I see what the Universe and I were co-creating and it feels so powerful, so affirmative.

It’s just… Well, I remember that just four months ago, this dream seemed very far away. I was sitting in Long Beach trying to make a life there, but feeling somehow out of alignment. I was satisfied enough, but I was struggling with being authentically happy and there was no way that I was experiencing the profound joy that I felt like I could have in my life.

The idea of a farmhouse was just an idea– a mere wish. But things were shifting inside of me. I was practicing all of my own coaching techniques. I was working with my own Kundalini, dragon energy (that is my creative, fiery, powerful, commanding energy) and started realizing that I cannot play it safe if I want to live my dreams. I cannot wait until all of my ducks are in a row. Really. I was like, “If all of my spiritual coaching teachings are real, then I should be able to just do what I want to do and forego all the reasons why my dreams and visions won’t work.” These words kept rolling around in my head. I needed to take risks– big risks! I was thinking to myself that if I desire a farmhouse in Italy, I must go to Italy! It was VERY clear that I couldn’t just sit at home and think about it and long for it. In the past, I had kept asking God to tell me when the right time should be and I had consistently gotten no response. And then I realized that the response was not a deaf ear, but actually the silence of the present moment. NOW is ALWAYS the answer with God!

I decided in that moment to leave the US and figure it out from Europe. I felt like I was being divinely led toward what I desire. Sure enough, as soon as I said that I am going to Europe, the Universe arranged my artist residency, got my timeshare in order, and had everything line up easy-peasy. No waiting, no wondering. I felt like I was being divinely guided, but the message is that actually, all I had to do is will my desires into being– that is, stay focused on my desires and walk one foot in front of the other toward them. I had to change my mindset from one that judged the events and happenings in my life as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ to all ‘good.’ What I mean is that I had a tendency to move forward when something felt ‘good’ and to hesitate, stumble and stop when something felt ‘bad.’ I had thought that things that felt ‘bad’ were things that I was doing wrong. But I have learned that Source (God) is ALWAYS moving me toward my desire. My egoic mind (the limited, fearful mind) might interpret something as bad or wrong, but Source is a ‘Can-Do’ consciousness that only sees the Affirmative way– the YES way… the Just Do It way. The egoic mind sees through a prism of the past. It makes up reasons about how things in the past happened and why; and it tells the same stories for the future– as if what has happened in the past must happen again in the future. There is an exception to every rule that the egoic mind makes. Fear is always going to block out 99% of the options. But that’s Fear’s job! Fear’s job is to keep us safe. But it is up to us to decide how much fear we invite into our lives. Fear, like every other consciousness, is a choice. “History repeats itself” is only true in the egoic consciousness. History repeats itself when you let yourself sink into the comfort of the fearful consciousness. And there is lots of comfort there! That painful, sucky consciousness of fear is so damned comfortable for most people. Our comfort zone is suffering and we keep on telling the same old story day after day, year after year. It’s partially habitual and it’s partially laziness. We have a habit of thinking small and when we see the work that we must do to save our minds from fear, this monologue crops up in our heads: “Oh hell no, that’s too much work! What? I have to set a timer to remind myself to come out of the gutter of the fear consciousness? What? I can’t just take a pill to get the Christ Consciousness? Whaaaat? I have to actually do some shadow work and feel my feelings??? What? I have to sit consistently in meditation? Not just one day?”

Changing my mindset has taken me YEARS. When my life coach told me that it might take me years, my first arrogant response was, Oh hell no. I wanted a quick answer and I wanted to see vast improvements in my life immediately. And actually, my life started improving immediately, but the deep core stuff has taken years. I’ve been living along the way, of course! It’s not like I was locked in a prison for years! It’s just that I have had a PARADIGM SHIFT and that has taken years. And this is why I am standing on the dirt looking out over what is already my kingdom and I’m seeing and tasting and touching my farmhouse. I KNOW that it is mine.

I am practicing no resistance. Whenever I become fearful and wonder how something is going to get done, I parent myself with compassionate love. I do not let fear drive the car! No. I drive the car from the consciousness of trust, knowing that my will is God’s will, and that I am therefore unstoppable.

And here I am checking out locations, writing a book, traveling the world, building retreats, training for marathons and enjoying the romantic life that I have always desired. I even looked in the mirror and thought, holy shit– I have a waist. Now you know that’s some evidence! Fucking amazing, man!


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Here I am! Eccomi qui!

Florence, Italy


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